My Mental Health Journey as an Athlete
The year I was at OSU, 3 student-athletes committed suicide. I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling with my mental health at that point and my peers around me were as well. It became prevalent how important mental health is in addition to physical health within the student-athlete community. We are all there because we are physically talented, but where is the emphasis on the importance of what is going on internally?
It warms my heart to see the topic of mental health surfacing more and more in the media these days, especially regarding athletes. When I was a collegiate athlete not too long ago, my mental health was something that I struggled with and because of the stigma it received, a part of me felt weak for getting help. As an athlete who played at a high caliber, there was no real awareness of mental health, nor its importance. There was more emphasis on physical health than mental, and even so, the physical health portion was not up to par in my experience.
It is beautiful to see this generation speaking out more freely about the mental health struggles they endured during their careers. It wasn’t until after Simone Biles dropped out of her last Olympic competition did the topic of Athlete's mental health really start to turn heads. Other athletes have used their platform to speak out and bring awareness to this serious and very prevalent issue.
One of my former teammates at Oregon State, Lenesha Ragen, has inspired me to do the same and share my personal experience just as she has spoken out about her struggles with depression during her college carrier. Another one of my former volleyball acquaintances, Victoria Garric, has become an advocate for mental health awareness in the College Athletics scene. Both of these girls have inspired me to share my story and I hope if you are someone who can resonate with my story - or even those of the two fabulous ladies I mentioned, that this helps provide you with some courage and assurance that you too are not alone.
Like many other athletes, my sport was my life. What I wasn't aware of was that this simple and very true statement was the formula for how I perceived my self-worth. Volleyball was my life, the only life I knew since the day I decided I wanted to play college ball. Because most of my time was spent practicing and perfecting my craft, my self-worth and self-esteem became dependent on my physical performance.
I committed to Oregon State as a transfer because it was a dream of mine since I was a little girl to play in the PAC12, just like my mother had. As knowledgeable as I was, going through the recruiting process yet a second time, I still let my pride get the best of me. After my freshman year at Middle Tennessee State, I was granted my request to transfer (rules revolving transferring have drastically changed since then for the better). I was fortunate enough to have received a full-ride offer to both San Diego State University and Oregon State University; one of my all-time favorite cities versus my dream conference. Of course, I couldn’t pass up this one-in-a-lifetime offer of playing in the PAC12 even when I knew deep down that maybe San Diego State was a better fit for me. So I let my pride decide. I wanted to be a PAC12 volleyball player and I needed to prove to myself that I could be.
As the underdog at the end of my high school career I went into college feeling that I had to constantly prove myself; not only to my coaches but really to myself. I was a competitor, and still am. That instinct of wanting to compete helped me to reach my goals and dreams but also hurt me along the way. Not only was I competing for my position, or to get noticed by my coach, but I was also competing against this idea of who I thought I was supposed to be. And because of my competitive nature, the pressure I had put on myself became too unrealistic to maintain and caused some serious damage to my self-perception.
I started to feel worthless not being a starter. And every time I would get on the court, I let my physical performance dictate how I perceived myself on AND off the court. If I had a bad practice my self-esteem dropped. And because I knew nothing else in life besides volleyball, I was living in this vicious cycle of bad practices and constantly losing whatever confidence I thought I had.
Eventually, I lost interest in most everything. I wasn’t able to find joy in the simple things in life anymore and that was a huge sign for me and where my mental health was headed. I had lost my appetite. I was not able to retain any information from classes or even remember my class schedule. I was also constantly in physical pain. I just went numb. I knew that this wasn’t healthy and that I needed to change this cycle but I had no idea how. I tried reaching out to the coaching staff for support, I started to meet regularly with the school's sports psychologist, and I even got a little dog as an emotional support animal. But I still found myself stuck in this numbingly vicious cycle.
It took me some time to realize that this lack of a balanced life between school, volleyball, and other interests is what hurt me in the long run. The key word there is “other interests.” If you had asked me what my other interests were at the time besides volleyball, I probably would have replied with something along the lines of, “that’s a stupid question.” I had no idea how to even find out what else in life I was interested in when the entirety of my existence at the time was being a collegiate volleyball player and a full-time student. This idea of a “balanced life” seemed so unattainable with all the time that was already being spent either studying, in class, in practice, scouting for games, traveling, or trying to maintain some kind of social life. Volleyball also consumed so much of my time in high school, I never explored my other passions or found other hobbies I was also interested in. And because of that, by the time I had gotten to college I had no other outlet besides volleyball.
My world was volleyball and only volleyball, and that was very consequential in my experience. It wasn't until recently I truly understood the importance of a balanced life and exploring things that piqued my interests; art, music, writing…etc. If I had explored these other interests earlier on, I believe that my more balanced lifestyle would have grounded me when volleyball wasn't going the way I wanted it to. Other interests and hobbies would have added more value to add to my life so that not all of my confidence and self-perception fell on just one aspect of it.
With the stress that naturally came with being a student-athlete, plus the internal pressure to perform and deal with the physical and mental side effects of depression, I had hit a wall. All I knew was that I couldn’t keep going on like this. During my Junior year, right before another season at OSU was about to start, I realized that I essentially was having an identity crisis. If I had removed volleyball from my life, I would have no idea who I was. That thought terrified me.
Right then and there, after our first game of the 2017 preseason, I decided to take my sports psychologist's advice, leap into the unknown and quit the team. I knew that I needed to leave that environment to create a new and healthier path for myself, not knowing if I would ever step onto a volleyball court again. The decision to leave was not an easy one and luckily I had the support of my family there at the time. But I knew that the alternative - which was to stay and continue what I was doing, was not an option for me.
I decided I wanted to relocate to San Diego. It was a place that made me happy. So on the drive from Corvallis to San Diego, I called the head coach since I had her number from my official visit and I was lucky enough to walk on. I immediately fell in love with the city and got into sand volleyball during my short semester at community college before I was allowed to transfer back to a 4-year university. There were still the normal struggles that I faced as an athlete and things that I needed to continue to work on, but I was finally at peace with myself. I accepted that I was on a journey to find out who I was and I stopped forcing this idea upon myself of who I thought I had to be. I learned how to finally just accepted what was, and that was at first not easy for me.
That year I learned that the best decisions for your life are not always the easiest ones to make. But there are always options. Learn to never feel stuck because when effort and hard work are brought to the table things have a way of working themselves out for the better. We as a community can ignite the change that destigmatizes mental health within our society, and that is why I chose to share my story with you.
#MentalHealthAwareness
